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30-Apr-2020 17:39

The winter of my junior year, I asked Ben, a quiet, smart philosophy major with bright blue eyes, to a wine and cheese party. On weekends I’d text him around 10 pm, usually somewhat drunk. He said he didn’t want anything, but keeps asking to hang out.We’d meet at one of our dorm rooms, debate philosophy and Fleet Foxes lyrics, talk about our families and aspirations, and then have sex until he came. When Ben fell asleep, I’d pretend to doze off as well. And with attachment came shame, anxiety, and emptiness.The women I interviewed were eager to build connections, intimacy and trust with their sexual partners.

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And to a surprising degree, it is women—not men—who are perpetuating the culture, especially in school, cannily manipulating it to make space for their success, always keeping their own ends in mind.

Desperate for a hand held in daylight, for public affirmation of desire typically expressed only after too many drinks.

Desperate to try commitment, then if it wasn’t working, rather than being prematurely cut off from it.

I told myself that I was a feminist, despite subjecting myself to unfulfilling, emotionally damaging sexual experiences.

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I loved learning and made Phi Beta Kappa my junior year. But my internal life was characterized by paralyzing anxiety and depression. I drove myself to excessive exercising and near-anorexia. While there was a major gulf between my public self and my private one, the one thing that remained consistent were my politics.

Almost immediately, I buried this dream deep within my new plastic dorm drawers.



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