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07-Oct-2019 14:26

The first time, you just opened yourself up and there it was. Even if you really would like to, your survival instincts won’t let that happen, and you must honor those. Your partner must prove to you, in every conceivable way, that he or she has changed. That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationship—which is understandable—that he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered.If your partner has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for your healing—and giving of himself/herself.You feel exhilarated because after carefully letting down your guard to someone, this person has appreciated having been given the tremendous gift of you.

Your spouse opens the door to intimacy when you know that he/she has heard you.

Not only is this person validating you, but his very being (because it’s so much like yours) validates you all the more. (Incidentally, if you don’t see this, you do have to plumb the depths to find it. The surface includes a host of differences, but deep down you’ll find the sameness.) So what’s “falling out of love”? You have opened up your soul; you’ve been vulnerable, and what did you get for it? The betrayal doesn’t have to be as raw as cheating, although it can be that.

But even ignoring a spouse when he or she is talking is betrayal. How in the world can you get back to opening yourself up to someone who has hurt you?

Expected behaviors don’t happen and new, lovely ones are in their place: consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, generosity of time and effort. You won’t have to force it; it, too, will be a natural process.

There will be new things in the “you” that has experienced all this pain: guardedness, healing, and newfound respect.Many people can try to give you this message but it doesn’t work with other people.

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